This is it.
After this Saturday, I will be halfway done with junior year.
Was it as bad as people make it out to be?
Yes, and it's not even half over.
Will I look back and reminisce about the good ol' high school days?
That can only be inferred (although I'm leaning towards a pretty strong "NO" right now).
I guess I've always just wanted to be who I really am.
I'ver never really exposed myself, metaphorically speaking.
I'm constantly hiding behind a shield.
I'm scared.
I don't know why.
But there's something holding me back, something holding all us introverts back.
Because I know we have things to say.
We have bloody brilliant things to say.
So why can't I?
I'm self conscious.
Everyone is, and I've gotten a lot better, but I am still exceedingly self conscious.
Sometimes I don't even feel like I can look people in the eye.
I feel fat, I feel ugly, I feel insecure.
We all do.
I don't want people to judge me.
I hide this by putting on a facade. I act like I don't care. I act tough.
But I'm not.
I guess none of us really are.
I want to be able to say something without feeling self conscious.
I want the world to hear what I have to say.
But the sad and cold fact is that I probably won't do anything about it.
I don't want to be remembered as the girl who was soft spoken and "nice" or "quiet."
I hate those words.
I want to be remembered as someone who wasn't afraid to say something. I don't want to be different-I simply want to be me.
It's scary, really, to think that I could actually stop shielding myself. It's scary to think that people would like me for who I actually am, for what I believe in.
I just want to leave a positive impact on this world.
Let's face it-we're nothing.
Why did God even create me? I feel as if I will never accomplish anything worthwhile.
I sometimes still have doubt.
I still find it hard to believe that He created me simply to love me. I'm really not that lovable. I don't even love myself. I say I do, but I don't. After all, what is there to do but laugh our feelings away? Who likes to talk about feelings? Who cares? Nobody, that's who.
I haven't found anyone I'm truly comfortable talking to.
No one wants to talk to you unless you're going to talk about cheerful and easygoing topics. Or if they can laugh at you.
It's understandable.
We're young.
We're naive.
-grass
WARNING: MUSHY LEVEL x500
ReplyDeleteIf you say this to the world, some of its inhabitants will listen to you. If you open your heart up to the world, maybe a few people will open their hearts to you too.
There are people who want to listen to you.
You will accomplish something worthwhile. I don't mean finding a cure for cancer, becoming the world's best investigative journalist, or traveling around the world. Because accomplishing something worthwhile, we think, means that we see the impact right away. Mission trips, soup kitchen visits, giving $ to the poor.
But sometimes it's not like that. You're accomplished a lot in high school already. You're affected the people around you. Congratulations. Maybe they'll look back in 30 years and remember the time someone told on them for cheating -- and then they'll look at their present and wonder why they did that. Maybe it'll take 40 years for them to realize that they did something wrong. Maybe they'll never admit they did wrong. Doesn't matter. You still struck their consciences.
I thought you knew it all, but I guess everyone's pretty similar.
It's okay. I don't understand too. You tell me this all the time...but you don't see it in yourself.
You are great.
You are amazing.
You are here for a reason.
You are loved.
I think it takes time to see the beauty in yourself. Maybe when you're seventy you'll look in the mirror and realize how beautiful you are.
Just for the record, I accept you for who you are, what you actually believe in. I don't care if we're on different sides of the political spectrum or speak differently and think differently. I don't love you for what you believe in, I love you for you -- at least the you I've had the chance to grow with.
Yes, the Jenny who yells at me to study for the SAT and the Jenny who gets the A- on the test everyone else bombed. The Jenny who's too meek to mention her grades. The Jenny who I like to crack jokes with. The Jenny who I know will become EIC and the Jenny who will go places. The Jenny who's a "tough cookie" and is relentless in her editing. The Jenny who's a perfectionist in nearly everything.
I also love the Jenny who's grass. The Jenny who tells me how she feels and the Jenny who's vulnerable. The Jenny who has fears and dreams, doubts and goals. The Jenny who has issues, the Jenny who's actually a soft cookie, the Jenny who cares about more than material thing, the Jenny that questions the world.
It's hard to believe that God created you in love while we live in a world so cold and damaged.
But thanks for coming into my life. Thank you so much. I don't think a "thank you" could really show you what I mean, but I hope it still means something.
plz ignore grammar mistakes did not proofread
ReplyDeletegarlic you made me cry thank you i love you so much :') (it took me 5 tries to make that face because i never make it) but seriously this means a lot. i think it's kinda destiny that we're friends right. this feels bigger.
ReplyDeletecya tomorrow garlic