So I've decided that climbing up stairs is extremely annoying and inconvenient for me, particularly when I wish to access the kitchen whilst I am in my room.

I'm going to build a slide.

It's been decided.

-grass

My mom just told Jelly to say "hi" to the guy who is here to change our window blinds. Yes, the world we live in is crazy.

On the other hand, I'm starting to watch The Big Bang Theory. I watched the first episode a while ago and thought it was mediocre, but I've watched some snippets on TV recently and it was hilarious!

If that doesn't work out, then I'm just going to watch an episode of Dr. Who. 

Life is hard, huh.

That was sarcastic, for your information.

-grass

life

I've decided to seriously start writing on this blog. Not just my ridiculous "thought" posts, although I think those are kind of cute ;).

I've just had a few things on my mind lately that I think would be better for me to say out loud, anonymously of course. 

I recently read an article about people who are "energy drainers." They are appropriately named, as they basically suck the energy out of your very soul. Just kidding. Not that extreme. 

But I can definitely identify a few "energy drainers" in my life. The thing is, as much as I wish I could avoid them, I can't. Some of them are my best friends. And we all get caught up in Asian High School Drama, which I shall abbreviate to AHSD. We don't care as much about boys as we do about grades, college, GPA, and whatnot.

But as any person with common sense can see, the prestige of the college doesn't matter. It's about how well I, as a student, can fit in with the environment. So as much as I try to remind myself that in the end, it's all about how happy I am, how well I fit in, I sometimes still get sucked into the constant chatter about Harvard or Princeton or Yale. And as hard as I try to stay unaffected, I can feel myself slowly conforming to that popular belief. 

I can see myself in the future, cramped in a lab all day, coming home to a too small apartment at night. 

I refuse to follow this fate.

Maybe I'll take a year off between college and grad school to travel, to teach yoga (if my teacher licensing goes well), to live. Maybe I'll write a book. Maybe I'll fulfill my dream of volunteering and making a difference.

The important thing is that I don't get sucked into this fierce academic world obsessed with grades and prestige. The important thing is that I stay true to myself and live out my life as fully as possible, knowing that everything I do, I do for Him.

I refuse to be sucked in.

-grass

Day 2 // Thoughts

• wish garlic were here
• hope she is not at home watching dramas and living vicariously through the lives of plastic people
• plastic, but good-looking
• harhar
• this test is taking forever
• math is so hard
• brain hurts!!!
• hey math teacher is not dressed so shabbily today
• cr zoned out
• omg so hot
• do they not have ac or something
• because i am about to die
• from stuffiness
• sweating!!!
• this is gross
• stupid natural deodorant!!
• AHH writing teacher
• love him
• he is a pastor
• omg
• he is so cool
• omg
• theology at harvard
• omg
• omg
• omg
• omg
• omg
• omg
• YES FINALLY
• FREEDOM

Day 1 //Thoughts

• boring
• so so boring
• why do they make their own tests that are so much harder??
• this is so dumb
• why am i here
• no grass, you must keep a positive outlook because you're stuck here whether you like it or not!
• class is super silent
• super awk
• wow this test is hard
• wow math is hard
• my brain really hurts
• need air
• so hot
• can't take jacket off // will feel self conscious
• need to lose weight
• too fat
• i can feel my belly
• beer belly
• harhar
• 5 minutes left
• omg so long
• when is this going to end
• LUNCH 
• omg math teacher
• so dumb
• h8!!
• cr teacher
• um dumb!!
• writing teacher
• so cool!!
• jk kinda scary
• cool tho
• omg is that her!!!!??!?!??!?!?!!?!?1/?
• yes it is
• wow weird
• merp
• ugh hungry
• FREEDOM

Grassngarlic

the what if's

I know that it's stupid to feel this way. I am my own person. I am not her, or her, or him. I'm in control of my own life. I should be so envious of other people or so disappointed in myself because I have brought everything upon myself.
So why is it so hard to simply forget?
Feelings like this are never welcome. We talk about Pandora's box and about greed, selfishness, pettiness, jealousy. All those feelings are consuming me and eating me alive.
The worst thing that I think about is what could have been. The what if's are always a dangerous subject to ponder upon.

I just want to be able to get past this and grow as a person. Grow as a plant.
-grass

Steps to an efficient workday (as a reminder)

1. make a list

2. once you know that you are going to deal with something that you don't want to do

3. control yourself

4. do not go check your email every 5 seconds

5. if you find yourself doing that, slap yourself

6. hard

7. do not read the news because you have stuff to do

8. do not start stalking people

9. you are creepy 

10. now you are a homeless creeper who never finished her hw 

11. i bet you have regrets

-grass

i don't know

I don't know what I want to be when I "grow up."
My mom was talking about how I have to pick a major soon. But I don't have anything in mind.
I don't want to be in a cubicle all day.
I want to talk to people.
I want to love my job.
I want to be outside often.
I don't want my glasses to grow thicker because of my job.
But then I want to have enough money to live and give comfortably.
I want to be with other people.
I want to do something that requires passion.
I want to do something that will definitely help people.
And I want to do something that will let me travel the world once in a while.
I want to combat sex trafficking.
I want to document things.
But then I want to create great things like great filmmakers.
I want to be on the streets of Aleppo taking photos, but I'm afraid of death. What if I die at 24 when I'm taking photos in a war zone? I don't actually want to die. But I don't want to live safely either.
I don't know!!!!
garlic

i think my non-existent support group has successfully helped me overcome my addiction to social networking

i can sign off facebook in less than 5 minutes now
deleted my tumblr

go me

-grass

connecticut feelings rolling thru

the facebook statuses, the twitter tweets, the instagram hashtags
the news articles, the interviews, the anchormen and women talking through a screen
the fear, the anger, the injustice
the tears, the small hands, the bodies

the blood

the lives, the lives saved, the lives taken
the screams, the shouts, the unheard
the last seconds, the slow breathing, the closing of eyes
the parents, the grandparents, the kids
the teachers, the students, the principals
age 5, age 5, age 6
age 5, age 6, age 5
barely enough to know what life is
barely old enough to read
barely old enough to breathe
barely old enough to run
barely old enough to fall in love
barely old enough to know what is evil
barely old enough
innocent, small, innocent
innocent, small, innocent
what were they thinking in the last seconds when he pointed a gun to their body
what were they feeling when they saw the gun
do they even know what a gun is?
do they even know the capacity of it's power and destruction?
did they know that they died?
did they know what death is
pink hat, blue scarf, jeans
rainboots, red shirt, fluffy jacket
blue eyes, brown eyes, black eyes
unsure of what is happening
classmates falling to the ground and never getting back up
classmates falling to the ground
classmates falling on the bright red ground

teachers
don't touch my kids
teachers
falling on the ground
principals
don't touch my school
falling on the ground
students
don't touch me
falling to the ground
shooter

falling to the ground


there are no words for the 40 who have no one to hold in their arms anymore
 to say goodnight and goodmorning to
 to say hello and goodbye to
to pack pb&j's and m&m cookies for
to see grow up, grow big, and head out the door
to hold a hand with
to take a walk in the park with
to eat ice cream with
to embrace in their arms
to be a parents to
to feel
to love

just
to love.
.
nothing else matters if they cannot love.

the aching of a nation
of our president, of connecticut
stumbling words, silent speeches
words would never be able to describe this anyway

the pictures
the news
the stories the stories
the voices the voices of the children of their parents

we cannot forget
we cannot forget next week
we must not forget
we must not
we must not

Life goes on?

sometimes it's so hard to believe charlie fink 

i don't know why i'm crying so hard
actually, i do know
after going on facebook and seeing garlic's status i just broke down once more
it sums everything up perfectly

they are so young
they are so young

they're in a better place now and i pray for them, their families, and everyone affected by that

but not just them

my heart also goes out towards the other troubled people out there who have started this frenzy of mass shooting incidents

there are other ways

or just take my one life but please
don't do a mass shooting
ever again

-weeping grass

hard to believe it's almost christmas
another year come and gone
next year at this time, we'll be the ones receiving college admission results
we'll be the ones laughing / crying
can you believe it?

i deleted my tumblr today
i feel as if doing that was a necessary step towards self growth

i feel happy

back to chem

-grass

dang it why am i always invisible
it's not like i even try

all.the.time.
friends
church
chinese school

it shouldn't matter but it still hurts
why

idk just want to go to college and get some real friends ya know

like friends who don't care about grades 24/7

who don't stress about everything and anything

who don't always compare themselves to me like seroiusly can you stop we are different people with different interests

this isn't about you garlic u da best

like u r an ideal friend

i could use you in the ideal gas law

harhar

but seirously sometimes thsi life is just so 

i mean i am so grateful i have this wonderful and blessed life

but it does come with these horrible side effects

hey sorry

hey sorry for being a poophead and not talking to you
now i think about the "i'm tired" thing is an excuse
truth is i feel really poopy inside and if i tell you i'm afraid i'll sound like an a-hole
and i don't want to talk during advisory and just turn it into gossip
i just
i just want to talk

sleep

it's such a crazy thing how we need sleep for the human body to function
i mean
isn't it amazing how we were created to need a certain amount of rest in order to function well?

I love sleep
i don't have to think
i don't have to do anything
the security of my fluffy blankets
warmth overflowing from my body
i think i could sleep for 100 years
then maybe I would wake up and see how messed up the world has become

i guess even if we think it's never going to happen
even if the chances are next to none
it's still important to try

there is the cliched, but ultimately true (as all cliches basically are), phrase saying that you will never know if you don't try

i can't stand not knowing

but would i be able to stand failure

life isn't fair
but why can't it be unfair in my favor

what have i done that was so drastically wrong that everything is against me?

i pray i do my work i laugh i love 

but nothing is enough

-grass
it's raining, and i'm growing