hey grass
idk if it's just me
but I really miss last year's journalism class
i'm scrolling through the old group and it's just so naice and relaxed and chill and "can I have an extra article" type instead of reminders and ideas and random likes and crap and it's all nice crap but not as nice as last year
and i just really miss last year's staff
like
a lot
crey

when 5 strikes

I know I won't get it,
and yet I am pursuing it.
I know the things I do are pointless,
and yet I still do them.
I know the things I say that no one will listen,
and yet I still say them.
I know the things I write are crappy,
and yet I still write them.
I know improvement does not matter,
and yet I would still like to improve.
I know that motivation is limited,
and yet I would like to see them motivated.
I know they don't get me,
and yet I wish they could.
I know I don't talk a lot there,
and yet I wish I could talk with them about everything.
I know it's going to hurt at the end,
and yet I am bringing myself there.
I know it will be embarrassing,
and yet I will still do it.
I know I will freeze in the middle of my presentation,
and yet I will still finish.
I know no one cares,
and yet I still wish they did.
I know when the names are announces I will want to run to the other end of the world,
and yet I will still listen.
I know when she gets it and I don't, I will hug her,
and yet I will feel second.
I know when reality strikes I will cry,
and yet I will still let reality hit me.
I know I need to readjust my motives,
and yet this does not leave my mind.
I know failure awaits we at the end,
and yet I still strive for this.
I know it I know it I know it so well.
I know it I know it inside and out.
I know it because it's played in my mind 529483570 times.
I know it because that's how society works.
I know it I know it I know it so well.
AndyetIknowthereissuchathingcalledhopeandthatiswhatIamholdingonto.

i pretend to go take a dump just to get away from my psychopathic mother
and i really really wanted a new phone today
but of course the deal was only for yesterday
so therefore it was not free today
so therefore i did not get it
and i don't even know why i'm like sad
i have a perfectly wonderful phone
but i guess i was just really looking forward to it
i sound so pathetic
but this was literally one of the happiest moments of my break
and i guess
i just built it up
in my head
that i would have something to actually do
to actually think about

i sleep to escape reality
i sleep so much

hey grass,
hey. i hope you're okay. i know you've been online today and stuff. but then not really. hope your sat score is what you want it to be?
does this make sense
not really
w/e
garlic

deep doughts

Growing older causes me to grow afraid of the world's opinion. A fear crushing my beliefs, a penchant for acceptance, a distant feel toward the explicit. A fear of losing the love of those around you, a fear of losing the hellos and goodbyes, a fear of losing your grip on the rock, where the prize stands alone at the top. Over and over this happens, but I must always remind myself that my identity does not reside in the world or any of its entities, but that my identity resides in Christ  -garlic

Conflicts, conflicts

A world
A country
A state
A city
A population
A neighborhood
A street
A house
A family
A person
A heart

-garlic

what's up my homies
my brothas from anotha motha

that's right

we're all sisters here
or brothas

no discrimination
cause hate is bad and it's a sin
the bible told me so

so why we be hating on them gays? let them love who they want and marry if they want to
why can't we all just love each other?

and no, i totally did not change my almost homophobia to accepting gay rights because of modern family
no, cam and mitchell didn't influence me at all

-grass

Today Elijah Lovejoy has become one of my role models. I read about him my my apush textbook, and there was probably like 2 sentences about him, but there were a couple traits in him that really stood out to me. 

1.) He didn't go Grazy. (Garrison Crazy -- denouncing the Constitution and free soil). 

2.) He was determined. He bought printing presses 4 times after they were all destroyed.

3.) He was a journalist. He was passion and on fiah~ as an abolitionist. 

4.) He did not die in vain. He died for what he cared for. 

Failed another Lee test...I'm just so sick of this

break

Cannot wait for break
Canot wait for break
2 more days befoe
freedom
2 more days of this lovely smelly piece of excrement

who's your ella?

my ella fitzgerald
the xx
they sang the song that captured my heart
the people who can sing something so real, so fresh that you just can't help but gasp
and weep with happiness as you find your ella

your ella fitzgerald
the artist you changes your life

who's your ella?

-grass

life

I don't really want to grow up. Honestly. garlic

you call yourself a christian
but i feel like you're the worst person alive
maybe it's wrong for me to say this
but just like huck finn thinks
if you're going to heaven i'm not sure i want to be there
i seriously hate you so much
you are freaking psycho
i think you have a mental disorder
this is so mean but so true
you have ocd
in the worst way possible
if something doesn't go the way you planned
you become psychotic
you freaking control freak
you only love me when i'm perfect
and i don't know why but
i can't help but love you
this is the most twisted relationship ever
i pray every day but nothing happens
i hate you so much
seriously
nothing i say ever matters
you say you aren't a typical asian mom
and you aren't
because i've always pushed myself
but isn't it ok if i just have fun sometimes
isn't it ok for me to have friends
i have to live vicariously through the internet
you're the one who has made me who i am
and for better or for worse
you are my mother

-grass

Just around the corner

My hands turned to ice while sitting in a shaded area outside by the library. The air was bitter, and I constantly rubbed my hands together to generate heat. I tapped my toes, so they too would not feel numb.

An hour later, I got up and walked to the parking lot. I turned a corner, and the sun was just waiting there for me. I reached my hands out to grab the heat, and ended up covering my face from its radiant blast. Immediately warmth tingled through my body.

Reminds me that at every down point, there is a sun nearby. And maybe I just need to turn the corner. 

annoyed 

so NANOYNG!ED1111

-GRASS

I'm weird

when I find mistakes made by the editors who corrected my stories i'm just like HAH SUCK IT #notugrass

High School Relationships...reassuring myself again

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to be in a relationship in high school. After watching this video called "Last something" by Wongfu, they talked about high school relationships and how there is something just so innocent and young about high school love. At first, after watching that segment, I wondered to myself if there is something I am missing out on in my four years here. Perhaps there is something. But honestly, now that I think about it, it's probably not an area I want to touch. Why? I want to marry my husband knowing he's my first...in everything: holding hands, kissing (that word is seriously so weird to type. k i s s i n g), dates, traveling, spooning, yes...I actually do think about this stuff grass
And who knows, maybe the first person I date will not be my husband. But in Wongfu's video...idk I just think it's so weird to say, "I had five before you." Like. If my husband told me that...I'd be like okay honey thanks so much f*** u!! yeah actually i seriously think i would say that even though God says not to cuss. hah. Like...in Wongfu's video it's like the guy was fishing around. IF I DATE SOMEONE THAT'S THE PERSON I PLAN TO MARRY!!
so yeah. that's it for now.
ok back to reality

here goes nothing

crossing my fingers and praying to God


ps thanks garlic for the locker decor

appreciate

-grass

i AM SO FREAKING SORRY I'M NOT PERFECT OK JUST 
THE WORLD IS AGAINST ME
MY PATHETIC SELF

let me crawl into a hole
a hole filled with The New Yorker issues, Tazo tea, and books
a hole where i can magically grow 10 inches
a hole where i can be myself
a hole without the trivial and idiotic aspects of my life
a hole without meanies and stupidos

just let me live my life
happily and
vicariously
if that's what i want

which is sad because these days
i feel like i live most of my life
at night,
when i dream

it's when i actually live

-grass

Sad

I feel sad.