Cherished Thoughts

Wise words from one of my favorite Tumblr blogs, writingsforwinter. I cried while reading this.

Anonymous: I think i am going to kill myself tonight. 

Listen to me. I can’t make you stay but I can tell you what you might miss. There are so many good things if you look hard enough for them. There’s always darkness but if there’s darkness then there has to be light, too. You can’t have one thing without the other.
My uncle died of brain cancer almost a year ago. He could have undergone chemotherapy but he chose not to because he knew he would die anyway.
My uncle did not have a choice about whether or not he would die.
You do.
I know this sadness shakes you up, it fucks you up inside, and you feel like a broken windowpane. Windowpanes can be replaced.
You can’t be.
I don’t know how old you are or your gender or your sexuality or your life history. But if you kill yourself you are removing one precious human life from this world. Someone thinks about you every night. Every goddamn night. Now let’s pretend they think about you five minutes each night. You take that number and you multiply it by the number of days in a year, and that’s a whole lotta goddamn minutes they spend thinking about you.
You’re worth it to someone. Not just you, not just who you are or what you say or what you look like, but your life. Your life is worth it to them.
And let me tell you something. Your life is worth it to me, too. Otherwise I would not be writing you this. Think of everything that’s out there-road trips, lazy Sunday mornings in bed, hot chocolate on cold winter nights, graduation, college, marriages, kids, grandchildren, growing old with the one you love. That’s a lot to miss.
Things can change. This can change. This will change. Sadness does not last forever.
I read a quote once, and I don’t remember where it was from, but it said that over 90% of people who have jumped off a bridge (Golden Gate, Brooklyn, whichever) trying to kill themselves, and they survived, said that in the exact moment their feet left the bridge they regretted it. They regretted it in that split second.
A spit second can be enough to change your mind. Those people survived, and you know what? I’ve read so many stories about failed suicides who said they are glad they did not kill themselves. Because they would have missed out on so much.
You’re not selfish in any way to want to kill yourself. Don’t let anyone ever tell you that. You are not a coward.
But what you are is a beautiful, unique, aching person who’s got a pretty damn big heart, and I know that because you showed me that. You showed me that by writing to me and I know your heart wants you to tell someone; I know your heart wants to let this out and it wants help.
Don’t let that heart stop beating tonight.
Or tomorrow night. Or the night after that. Or the next night and the next night and the next night and all the nights to come.
This is the biggest choice of your life. And that life is a precious thing.
Please don’t end it.

A little scared

I know I did the right thing.
I don't regret anything.
But I'm a little scared.
I wish I didn't tell you guys, garlic. 
I told my parents, and they told me not to tell anyone. That there's a reason for anonymity. 
Because people who are willing to cheat are willing to do other things too.
Because I live in the real world where revenge is real.
What if they find out?
What if they do something to me?

I was always one of the people who waited for other people to do the right thing.

This time, that "other person" is me.

I did the right thing. 

So why do I feel this way?

-grass

Pieces of me

Im too tired to enlighten the nonexistent readers of this blog, so enjoy a small collection of photos displaying some tidbits from my life.

Peace out.

-Grass

Brutal Honesty // #1

I've been thinking a lot lately.

This is it.

After this Saturday, I will be halfway done with junior year.

Was it as bad as people make it out to be?

Yes, and it's not even half over.

Will I look back and reminisce about the good ol' high school days?

That can only be inferred (although I'm leaning towards a pretty strong "NO" right now).

I guess I've always just wanted to be who I really am. 

I'ver never really exposed myself, metaphorically speaking.

I'm constantly hiding behind a shield.

I'm scared.

I don't know why.

But there's something holding me back, something holding all us introverts back.

Because I know we have things to say.

We have bloody brilliant things to say.

So why can't I?

I'm self conscious.

Everyone is, and I've gotten a lot better, but I am still exceedingly self conscious.

Sometimes I don't even feel like I can look people in the eye.

I feel fat, I feel ugly, I feel insecure.

We all do.

I don't want people to judge me.

I hide this by putting on a facade. I act like I don't care. I act tough.

But I'm not.

I guess none of us really are. 

I want to be able to say something without feeling self conscious.

I want the world to hear what I have to say.

But the sad and cold fact is that I probably won't do anything about it.

I don't want to be remembered as the girl who was soft spoken and "nice" or "quiet."

I hate those words.

I want to be remembered as someone who wasn't afraid to say something. I don't want to be different-I simply want to be me.

It's scary, really, to think that I could actually stop shielding myself. It's scary to think that people would like me for who I actually am, for what I believe in.

I just want to leave a positive impact on this world.

Let's face it-we're nothing.

Why did God even create me? I feel as if I will never accomplish anything worthwhile.

I sometimes still have doubt.

I still find it hard to believe that He created me simply to love me. I'm really not that lovable. I don't even love myself. I say I do, but I don't. After all, what is there to do but laugh our feelings away? Who likes to talk about feelings? Who cares? Nobody, that's who.

I haven't found anyone I'm truly comfortable talking to.

No one wants to talk to you unless you're going to talk about cheerful and easygoing topics. Or if they can laugh at you.

It's understandable.

We're young.

We're naive.

-grass

There's something chilling about this blank slate.

it shouldn't matter

so many things should not matter, but i still care about them.
there are so many things i should not care about, but i think about them.
there are things i should not think about, but i focus on them.

#iloveyougrassdontfret

i do not know why am i bothered. why i feel so sad. but there's this girl named juliana in our grade who's a mormon. and it just make me so sad/angry/ugh/why/no/please. she used to be a christian, and now she's a mormon. she brings her friends to church with her, and like converting them. and it just bothers me so dang much.
it makes me sad to know that she thought she knew the truth, but she didn't, so she found something else, and i srsly feel like she's just out there tryna to convert everyone or something. b/c mormon believe conversion is the only way to heaven.
but it just makes me so dang sad.
so damn sad.
i don't know. it's just so sad. probably because i used to think of talking to her about God. just talking to her, you know. and i didn't. and now the regret is pouring in, because she found something else, and she's converting others to mormonism...if that's a word.
i don't know much about mormons...but i know that it's not the truth. b/c one time mrs.hull was talking in class, and she said: it just doesn't make sense to me...why God would do that. like why would he not be angry at people? why would he be so kind and forgiving?

it was just heartbreaking.. she doesn't know that God is love, and Love is God. she doesn't know who He is..you know..and that just...drives me crazy. i want to tell her, maybe after i graduate, but then like...ugh. idk. #yolooe
 you only live once on earth

why am i so bothered by this? idk.
i should be right? it's her choice right?
but i can't stop feeling this nagging in my chest
sigh-