Day 1 //Thoughts

• boring
• so so boring
• why do they make their own tests that are so much harder??
• this is so dumb
• why am i here
• no grass, you must keep a positive outlook because you're stuck here whether you like it or not!
• class is super silent
• super awk
• wow this test is hard
• wow math is hard
• my brain really hurts
• need air
• so hot
• can't take jacket off // will feel self conscious
• need to lose weight
• too fat
• i can feel my belly
• beer belly
• harhar
• 5 minutes left
• omg so long
• when is this going to end
• LUNCH 
• omg math teacher
• so dumb
• h8!!
• cr teacher
• um dumb!!
• writing teacher
• so cool!!
• jk kinda scary
• cool tho
• omg is that her!!!!??!?!??!?!?!!?!?1/?
• yes it is
• wow weird
• merp
• ugh hungry
• FREEDOM

Grassngarlic

the what if's

I know that it's stupid to feel this way. I am my own person. I am not her, or her, or him. I'm in control of my own life. I should be so envious of other people or so disappointed in myself because I have brought everything upon myself.
So why is it so hard to simply forget?
Feelings like this are never welcome. We talk about Pandora's box and about greed, selfishness, pettiness, jealousy. All those feelings are consuming me and eating me alive.
The worst thing that I think about is what could have been. The what if's are always a dangerous subject to ponder upon.

I just want to be able to get past this and grow as a person. Grow as a plant.
-grass

Steps to an efficient workday (as a reminder)

1. make a list

2. once you know that you are going to deal with something that you don't want to do

3. control yourself

4. do not go check your email every 5 seconds

5. if you find yourself doing that, slap yourself

6. hard

7. do not read the news because you have stuff to do

8. do not start stalking people

9. you are creepy 

10. now you are a homeless creeper who never finished her hw 

11. i bet you have regrets

-grass

i don't know

I don't know what I want to be when I "grow up."
My mom was talking about how I have to pick a major soon. But I don't have anything in mind.
I don't want to be in a cubicle all day.
I want to talk to people.
I want to love my job.
I want to be outside often.
I don't want my glasses to grow thicker because of my job.
But then I want to have enough money to live and give comfortably.
I want to be with other people.
I want to do something that requires passion.
I want to do something that will definitely help people.
And I want to do something that will let me travel the world once in a while.
I want to combat sex trafficking.
I want to document things.
But then I want to create great things like great filmmakers.
I want to be on the streets of Aleppo taking photos, but I'm afraid of death. What if I die at 24 when I'm taking photos in a war zone? I don't actually want to die. But I don't want to live safely either.
I don't know!!!!
garlic

i think my non-existent support group has successfully helped me overcome my addiction to social networking

i can sign off facebook in less than 5 minutes now
deleted my tumblr

go me

-grass

connecticut feelings rolling thru

the facebook statuses, the twitter tweets, the instagram hashtags
the news articles, the interviews, the anchormen and women talking through a screen
the fear, the anger, the injustice
the tears, the small hands, the bodies

the blood

the lives, the lives saved, the lives taken
the screams, the shouts, the unheard
the last seconds, the slow breathing, the closing of eyes
the parents, the grandparents, the kids
the teachers, the students, the principals
age 5, age 5, age 6
age 5, age 6, age 5
barely enough to know what life is
barely old enough to read
barely old enough to breathe
barely old enough to run
barely old enough to fall in love
barely old enough to know what is evil
barely old enough
innocent, small, innocent
innocent, small, innocent
what were they thinking in the last seconds when he pointed a gun to their body
what were they feeling when they saw the gun
do they even know what a gun is?
do they even know the capacity of it's power and destruction?
did they know that they died?
did they know what death is
pink hat, blue scarf, jeans
rainboots, red shirt, fluffy jacket
blue eyes, brown eyes, black eyes
unsure of what is happening
classmates falling to the ground and never getting back up
classmates falling to the ground
classmates falling on the bright red ground

teachers
don't touch my kids
teachers
falling on the ground
principals
don't touch my school
falling on the ground
students
don't touch me
falling to the ground
shooter

falling to the ground


there are no words for the 40 who have no one to hold in their arms anymore
 to say goodnight and goodmorning to
 to say hello and goodbye to
to pack pb&j's and m&m cookies for
to see grow up, grow big, and head out the door
to hold a hand with
to take a walk in the park with
to eat ice cream with
to embrace in their arms
to be a parents to
to feel
to love

just
to love.
.
nothing else matters if they cannot love.

the aching of a nation
of our president, of connecticut
stumbling words, silent speeches
words would never be able to describe this anyway

the pictures
the news
the stories the stories
the voices the voices of the children of their parents

we cannot forget
we cannot forget next week
we must not forget
we must not
we must not