Man, college is harda

So grass came over to visit me at uc broccoli (say it with asian accent forreal it's perf) last week and yeah.  I really miss her.
I miss grass because she's so like damning with her perspective sometimes and it brings you back to reality. Oh, and also looking through photo galleries from around the world. Reminds you how limited and small your world is. Really helps with adjusting perspective.

Man, college is hard!
Like the work is exhausting at times, but just being here is like, woah, I have to take care of myself. For the first time. What the heck?!?!

Anyway, I think I've been holding a better perspective this week. College was pretty tough for me 1/2 of semester because I didn't really find friends, roommate irritated me easily, and I was just, not happy, to be at Berkeley.

And it's funny, because I'm stuck with these same issues, but I don't let them get to me. Sunday Service was so good! Sometimes the words really just beat up the inside of your heart. It's crazy, crazy. The message was on acceptance/power/authority, and how we are all seeking some kind of love/acceptance and how we're all prideful/self-righteous. I think I've been acting that way with my roommate, criticizing every little thing she did. So badly my flesh wants to point out every little thing she does, but at service just felt incredibly convicted for craving into my flesh. Ever since then, my relationship with her has improved, I think. I think?? Or maybe it's because of a different perspective. I don't know God enough.

I haven't joined any clubs yet, but I'm so pumped for Tuesday! Laundry Love! They only meet once a month, but I'm so excited to finally go to their meeting since I missed the September one.

I'll be staying up late tonight, until I can just exhaust it out on Friday night. I think I'm going to say hello to my bed at around 9pm that day. seriously.

I just realized my username is from 9th/10th grade? Don't remember when I made it, but I wanted to start an anti-human trafficking blog and thought that would be the perfect name, "Broken People Broken Dreams." It's kind of funny how I ironically thought that only those stuck in human trafficking were broken. Like I didn't see the brokenness inside myself until coming to Berkeley. I didn't realize how broken and hurt and unsatisfied and thirsting for power/acceptance I was until I came into God's presence, and saw all of that. Really I think for me, this is just a season of healing. A season of just learning to love. Learning to love. and it's the freaking hardest thing ever I think. But at the same time it's the most powerful.

So that's my one goal this semester: to learn how to love.
oh and also no more fried foods. I feel sick after filling myself up with waffle fries and sriracha. It is amazing, but ugh. ughhhhhhhhhhhh

letters

personal letters
are
openings to the soul
they're warm and fuzzy
like a plunk of honestly stirred into your summer glass of ice tea lemonade
they're a stroll in the park when the sun is just setting
birds flying home
and you can feel yourself breathing
they're like
cheerios floating on the surface of your milk
something to keep you hanging
for grueling days of labor and life and labor

it's the little things that matter after all. truly and sincerely and positively correctly.

//how to make yourself feel better

look at this

don't you feel better already??

grass

let's go eat curry sss

college and such.

wow.
i am kind of disappointed in myself.
i am reflecting on who I am, and what i want to do...and I realized the person I presented myself as in my essays is so far away from who I really am.
I didn't show them me
I didn't get to tell them who I am
and it's bothering me
quite
A Lot.

//saving this here. Perf "eff you" gifts and images.

going to save some amaze-ball images here from now on. tagging (blogger calls it "labeling," yuck) it as "hoarding."

The other amazeball!

fav

this will always be my favorite photo. in my darkest days, when I am angry and confused, I will look at this photo and become angrier because I will start laughing and you're not supposed to laugh in serious situations. then I will keep on looking at this photo and cry because I am so angry but then I will cry so much and laugh at the same time so it will be craffing and when you craff you don't feel so bad anymore. 

open letter to grass

dear grass,

why did you/do you think i like someone when you said that during the sleepover did my face say something or something or a lil' sumthin sumthin
just wondering but not really just wondering
more of a concern than a wondering

sincerely,
garls

and now, we wait

this is so surreal
and so damn anticlimactic

-grass

grass: needs mowing

I think I just have this inherent inability to refrain from being sarcastic. I'm not sure if you know what I mean. But half the time (ok, more than half), I'll say something, and then I'll regret it. Like a millisecond later. Like before it even comes out of my mouth.

And that happens a lot, especially when I'm around you guys. But I never ever meant it in a way to hurt you or anyone (and no, this is not directed towards you).

But how do I stop? I never think before I say anything. Sigh.

On another note, this week will be pure hell. And then next week... next week will be bliss. Thank God for Thanksgiving. That is what I'll be thankful for during Thanksgiving.

Also, boy problems. I don't want to tell anyone this because it makes me seem like some insensitive and pretentious douche, which [I hope] I'm not. But I feel as if I deserve better, that I at least deserve someone who will care enough to call once in a while, someone who will put me first for once. Because even when I'm with my friends, I'll stay take just one second to text him back. And I wouldn't bail on someone ten minutes before we were supposed to hang out.

I forgive him for that-I really do. But all I'm saying is that I would have never done that. And I think I deserve someone who would do the same for me-someone who cares enough to treat me the same way I'd treat him.

I've never told anyone this, ever. But when we first started hanging out (like during lunch and stuff), we would walk back from behind the small gym because he wouldn't want his friends to see. Since they sat in the courtyard.

And that was just the most horrible feeling ever. I hated him-I really did. But I couldn't help but like him? Maybe I was drawn to his tallness and niceness, but really, he's a phony. I feel like Holden Caulfield or something, but he's such a goddamn phony. Does he even have a personality? There's a difference between being nice and being yourself; I don't think anyone is shallow enough as a human to merely be "nice" and "pleasant" all the time. He never showed me his true self, and maybe it's for the better. Because I think inside, he might not be all that great. Or maybe I'm just bitter.

-Grass

hmm

if only I had spent all the time I used hating, bashing, gossiping, and hurting people to love them.
(no this is not directly related to you grass)
i guess I'll stop with the "if only's" and try to start tomorrow

and looking back,

I want to write something very deep but I don't know where to begin. I just saw your last post, grass.

And....yeah. We made it. Or maybe I should say, I made it, since I was the one who was kind of teary and emotional and sensitive and moody the entire time. I think you probably already made it, and it took me longer to realize. Or perhaps we really both did make it, at the same time.

What am I saying. I don't know. But I'm happy that we're still friends. I think the friendship that really gets tested and is still able to survive those rugged waters even after coming out battered and bruised is a wonderful friendship. Yeah... yeah. Thank you. Thank you.

i just now saw your post

we were, are, am, will be, still are best friends

there are ups and downs in every friendship

and i'm sorry if you felt neglected

there was so much going on and so little time

i know you don't want to talk to me / be great friends / misc. anymore

but i still do

i still care for you and cherish you and

thank you

for everything

-grass

ugh

my mom walked in the dorr

YOU CANT HEAR THE MUSIC THOUGH

4/24/13

eic tom

for some reason, I'm not scared.
yeah.
i'm not scared. even i I say I am scared or nervous, I'm not. I don't know why. I should be scared. I should be nervous.
But I'm fine.
and after tomorrow, maybe I'll shed some tears, maybe I won't. but everything will be okay in the end.

Reassured, reassured, always reassured.
God is good all the time FORREALS
anyway pastor quoc made a joke today at church about those three best friends who went through the fire, meshak, somethingelseshak, and abedhigo or something.
and he kept on saying a-bad-nigo
did not get joke until later
but i thought it was really funny

maybe

Maybe you'll see this tomorrow. Maybe you'll see this in a year, in ten years. Maybe never. Maybe you never even meant to check on this website but you accidentally typed gr- and then [enter] and this showed up. Or maybe someone will talk about grass or garlic and you remembered this. Or maybe you thought of me and you came here. Or maybe you remember you had a mutual dead blog with someone else. Or maybe something just propelled you to bring you here. Or maybe you'll be fine. You'll be fine. And for me, perhaps it will take me a little bit longer. Yes...longer. Or maybe you don't understand. Maybe the words I try to say and show my feelings through just can't reach you, like a short kid trying to reach a cookie jar. Maybe I can't express the things I want to say because I get flustered.  Maybe if I understood. Maybe if you asked.Maybe I should tell you about the tears. Maybe not. Maybe I should  just wait. Maybe I should be patient like I learned at fellowship group today. Or maybe I should be looking. But I don't want to look. I don't want to have to shift my heart and drag it up a notch from where it's currently lodged.

But maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm wrong about now. But then maybe I was wrong about the time? Maybe it should have been 2 am instead  2 pm? 

there is so much i want to say
so much i want to do
but i just end up doing
none of the two