and now, we wait

this is so surreal
and so damn anticlimactic

-grass

grass: needs mowing

I think I just have this inherent inability to refrain from being sarcastic. I'm not sure if you know what I mean. But half the time (ok, more than half), I'll say something, and then I'll regret it. Like a millisecond later. Like before it even comes out of my mouth.

And that happens a lot, especially when I'm around you guys. But I never ever meant it in a way to hurt you or anyone (and no, this is not directed towards you).

But how do I stop? I never think before I say anything. Sigh.

On another note, this week will be pure hell. And then next week... next week will be bliss. Thank God for Thanksgiving. That is what I'll be thankful for during Thanksgiving.

Also, boy problems. I don't want to tell anyone this because it makes me seem like some insensitive and pretentious douche, which [I hope] I'm not. But I feel as if I deserve better, that I at least deserve someone who will care enough to call once in a while, someone who will put me first for once. Because even when I'm with my friends, I'll stay take just one second to text him back. And I wouldn't bail on someone ten minutes before we were supposed to hang out.

I forgive him for that-I really do. But all I'm saying is that I would have never done that. And I think I deserve someone who would do the same for me-someone who cares enough to treat me the same way I'd treat him.

I've never told anyone this, ever. But when we first started hanging out (like during lunch and stuff), we would walk back from behind the small gym because he wouldn't want his friends to see. Since they sat in the courtyard.

And that was just the most horrible feeling ever. I hated him-I really did. But I couldn't help but like him? Maybe I was drawn to his tallness and niceness, but really, he's a phony. I feel like Holden Caulfield or something, but he's such a goddamn phony. Does he even have a personality? There's a difference between being nice and being yourself; I don't think anyone is shallow enough as a human to merely be "nice" and "pleasant" all the time. He never showed me his true self, and maybe it's for the better. Because I think inside, he might not be all that great. Or maybe I'm just bitter.

-Grass